100 Things I love and miss about Jesse

The phrase "Gone but not Forgotten" didn't mean much to me a few years ago. Even last year, I suppose it didn't really mean a lot. For some reason this past few days I can't get that phrase out of my head. Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my brother's passing. The saddest part, as we enter the third year of my life without my best friend in it, is that I feel like I am really losing him now.

After he passed away, I could still hear him in my head. I will admit it--I still talked to him. A lot. Things would happen in my life and I would think, "I want to call Jesse and tell him about it." It would hurt every time I realized anew that I couldn't call him and he couldn't laugh or congratulate me or empathize with me. As much as that lancing pain, or inability to breathe hurt, it also felt good--because I could still feel him as a part of my life.

As time passes, and my life moves on without him in it, I feel this profound, bone deep sorrow. He is missing it. All the things that make life worth living. My kids, and his kids, are growing up and he's not here to hold them, to laugh with and at them, to clean up their messes and revel in their triumphs. And I am growing into someone new without my brother to grow with: a mom. How I wish he was here, accessible, to talk to. He taught me so much. He gave me perspective when I lost it and in a lot of ways he anchored our family.

So I spent a lot of time yesterday crying; grieving for the loss that feels duller every day. Grieving for the dullness of the loss that used to be sharp and painful. I still have trouble breathing sometimes but now I also deal with the pain of my fear that one day, I won't really remember him at all.

Today I wanted to do a post that lists the things I DO remember and that I MISS desperately about my beloved little brother. You are gone, Jesse, but you are NOT forgotten. You never will be at the Baker house.

1. Your smile. Your eyes always squinted up because your smile was too big for just your mouth.
2. Your belly dance. When you got really happy (or silly) you would pull up your shirt and dance, rubbing your belly. I really miss that side of you.
3. Your intellect. This had to be near the top. No one else in the world had as many decided opinions on EVERYthing as you did. And I loved knowing I could hear a well reasoned opinion on anything I was pondering.
4. Your love for your family. You spent untold hours praying for us in our hard times, supporting us at all times and thinking of how you could help us. I know this from things you said and from watching.
5. Your jokes. When you were little, you made up these canned jokes, like se llama llama llama. And the penguin joke, and the big apple/little apple. Then as you grew older, your jokes grew too. I loved them all.
6. Da dum chi. This one goes with #5.
7. Your handwriting. This is an odd one, but you almost needed a key code to decipher your writing--but after years of being debate partners, I could do without it. I loved your unique writing. I miss seeing it.
8. Your gospel messages. Anyone who knows you probably got these on a weekly (or when you were busy monthly) basis. I loved these spiritual thoughts.
9. Your signature. You spent a lot of time working on this--almost a year I think. I remember because you asked my opinion on what was cooler several times before you arrived at your actual signature! You put so much thought and effort into everything...
10. Your humor websites. You loved anything funny. Once you got that laptop from Bain, every time we visited you would show us dozens of funny videos (and websites, like that Dragon guy!) you found.
11. Krispy Kremes. You always had a dozen (or two) when we came up to Dallas, waiting for when we arrived.
12. In the same vein, the waffles. We could count on you and Angela to have waffles for us to eat, in addition to the fried sugar! :-)
13. Your love of Fords, especially your mustang. Hearing you talk about mustangs for years growing up made me happier when you finally defied mom and dad and bought one on your own. I had a ball driving with you out to Texas in it... you even let me drive it--I think I may have been the first person since you bought it (other than you) to drive that Cobra...
14. Your requests to learn. I recall on that same trip you asked me to teach you about "chick music". We listened to my music the entire way, with you asking questions the whole time, so you could know something about what music girls liked.
15. Your sour patch kids. We used to go see movies and you always let me eat all the red ones out and you would eat the rest.
16. Skipping out on Swimming practice to go see movies. We had this huge stack of free movie passes in high school from work my dad and I did for the movie theater (long story.) Anyway, Jesse and I used to go see movies a few times a week, and when we had time we would stay for several. We saw basically every movie that came out that year, including stupid ones like Meet the Deedles! I miss that horribly. Of course we continued the tradition in Provo at Movies 8...
17. Making you veal parmesan. Sam's sold these veal cutlets. I made veal parmesan once and despite it containing mushrooms, Jesse loved it--and requested it all the time. I used to make it like twice a week while he was in the dorms. He would bring me watermelon Jelly Bellys from the Cougar eat with the money he saved from not eating at the cafeteria.
18. Writing you on your mission. I wrote you every single week, and near Christmas, every single day. I loved getting your letters back; I learned as you did and grew as you grew. I was so proud of you--your hard work and your sacrifices.
19. Burning the Awakening together. Who says book burnings are not cathartic?!
20. Hammering opponents with our anti-anthropocentrism aff and neg!
21. Stuckey and Stuckey: Making people cry in rounds--sad!
22. Your goofy black vinyl hat that was all floppy--remember you were wearing it the first time we heard about Tupac. (He was already dead! We were like, wait who is this guy everyone is mourning!?)
23. Your schemes to make money--they always worked. I was so proud of you and Ang for the gumball machines, and your enterprises with the sports tickets. Of course, I saw the roots when you were a kid, with rolls, then candy and later with a plethora of other things. You always knew how to rake in the green.
24. Your thrift. We all spent every dime we had on that family vacation. I blew all mine on furry animals at the zoo. You bought ONE (a brown bear) and explained that would give you enough to play with me, but you had all of your money left and could use my other toys so you got as much enjoyment out of it as I did without the costs.
25. Your animosity towards toothbrushes. HA.
26. Your thoughtfulness--you gave me your gavel--the one you earned but you thought I deserved.
27. Your appreciation for my nails! I remember how you loved that I had long nails without getting them done! It was so strange, but it made me feel oddly loved/appreciated.
28. Your willingness to listen to other people's advice too. Most geniuses I know are unwilling to listen to others and admit when they are wrong. You were always willing to listen to, and consider, another viewpoint, even when it didn't sway you.
29. Your exuberance. You loved things and living--so you got delightfully excited about things. I loved watching movies with you. Sometimes I watched you more than the movie, because it was so fun to see your reaction to the jokes, or the drama.
30. You position on the death penalty--for all rapists!
31. Your napkin tutoring--learned directly from Dad.
32. Your desire to do nice things for those you cared about. I got some nice gifts from you over the years (ruby earrings, etc.) But I also helped you pick out some nice gifts for others, and we all saw how you showered gifts on your beloved Angela.
33. Your chinese girl feet.
34. Ska music in high school and Deftones later on. I loved that one song.
35. Your decision to put all that music behind you for more wholesome alternatives.
36. Your love of Alex the (blue, then red) car.
37. Your dedication to work. You worked so hard and cared so much that you were the best. I remember how happy you were and how proud I was of you when you got top ranks from Bain that first year.
38. Your gospel doctrine lessons. I only saw a few--some at BYU and then some in Dallas. They were some of the best lessons I ever heard.
39. You hebrew. It was GREAT when you sang and always added insight when you shared with me the things you learned about the gospel from studying hebrew.
40. Your clothes taste (or lack thereof).
41. Your willingness to let me pick out or at least screen your clothing. Luckily you passed that on to Angela when you two began dating. She was even better than I was.
42. Your love of nasty cereal--you know the 100% sugar variety--I love them too! Fruity Pebbles, Golden Grahams, Lucky Charms, here we come.
43. Your rants. I reveled in them! If someone knew you, they know what I mean.
44. You tanned so EASILY! I remember talking you into coming to Club Tan for the 3 for $3 promotion. On your third tan, you went from DARK to ABSURDLY DARK. I had to tell you, with great sorrow, that tanning wasn't for you! You baked! Lucky dog.
45. Your love of vacations--I loved hearing about all your fun with Angela, and I had so much fun on (see 46)
46. The Cruise! I am so glad we all went together. I love the photos from it, and the memories from our fateful 4 wheeler tour, the "pebble beach" after it, and the great time we had in Honduras with you as our guide. I also loved the snorkeling the next day and our time on a beach in Belize. Most of all I loved the meals with you, and the goofing off.
47. The text you sent me before our wedding. I kept my phone long after it broke because I didn't want to lose that message. You always had a way of saying just what I needed to hear, and I was so glad you were so happy for me.
48. Your playfulness with me. I think I have always been a bit aloof, but as I have aged, it has grown more pronounced. People (other than Whitney) just don't really touch me, other than a hug goodbye. You always rubbed my back, played with my hair, threw your arm around me and generally treated me like a puppy of some kind. I miss that familiarity, the kind of closeness borne of 20+ years of best friendship.
49. Buddha cheese.
50. Waking up Christmas morning at 3 or 4 am and pouring over the loot together.
51. Tallying up the Christmas present count.
52. That comb you always had with you!! HA.
53. Your green adidas jacket. I don't think that ever came off for the 5 months of winter at BYU your freshman year!
54. Your love of computers--you learned a lot at Swift and built your own!
55. Quicksilver Solutions
56. How you sang "just like Dad"
57. Your pouting. When we were kids you would get into these snits that NO ONE could get you out of, except me. They were legendary!
58. Your love of war movies.
59. Guitar lessons! Remember the time my bra strap broke in the middle of the lesson!?
60. Pen spinning.
61. You always drug your hand through your writing and had a black hand... LEFTIES!
62. I HATED how you always kept the kleenex flat so you could SEE your snot!! Now I miss it!
63. Your love of baseball.
64. Your love of dogs, especially Mastiffs, and especially Sheba beeba.
65. Your love of Six flags (or all theme park rides).
66. Watching Lord of the Rings with you.
67. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches.
68. Honey buns (ick!)
69. Your investment brilliance!
70. Making plans for future vacations and our cabins and such. We had such fun planning how we would live next door and get joint vacation homes...
71. Picking out your cologne! That task was passed on to Angela, but I used to be your advisor in such things--which is how you ended up wearing Eternity when you met Ang.
72. Flying the remote controlled airplanes, and yours getting stuck in the neigbor's tree.
73. Legal battles with insurance companies, apartment management and moving personnel (who rip you off every which way.)
74. Long and frequent phone conversations thanks to free sprint to sprint... Oh how I miss that.
75. Bohnanza
76. Risk
77. Monopoly
78. Cheating at Spades!! I really miss the best partner in the history of all time. Low, high, we were totally covered. We always won! (And almost never cheated)
79. Stratego
80. Leather carpet.. uh...
81. Tigers and Exxon truck stops
82. Hebrew Scrolls.
83. Your love of root beer--especially Henry Weinhardt's...
84. Your willingness to make a fool of yourself! Remember when you put on my embroidered Abercrombie top that was see through? And you danced around? I even have a photo of that somewhere!
85. Our Thanksgiving together. You came with me and helped me make it through an otherwise miserable Thanksgiving!
86. You always walked around in your garments!! Around me!
87. Your insistence men wear white shirts to church.
88. You were such a suck up to authority figures, right from the start--with Papa and his boots and then right on up the line!
89. Your campaign to be the MVP child!
90. Undercover Brother
91. Brooks brothers shirts and ties. I think you had them in every size and about 100 ties! Or more!
92. Movado watches--you had what? 5?
93. The Dallas game we caught, when you met some of my friends from work, and some of my non-friends! (haha)
94. The sickness that took you away from me and caused you so much grief... I miss that because it was a part of your life. I wish I could have taken it (and the pain) away.
95. Your valet trash service! And laundry service. You had live at the nicest apartment complex in Texas. Of course, they also stole your wife's mega ring. Good thing you had insured it. The day before!
96. Your eagle card over your driver's license and how it got you out of racial profiling...
97. My little Mexican boy (see Sea World Adventure in Cali)
98. Our candy stash Mom never knew about (even though she did) and how you would occupy your mind until our 2 am meetings..
99. Making nets for you and Clint so I could get in on the Thundercat and He-Man play times.
100. Calculus at Macaroni grill... And the glazed look it always gave me.

Jesse, you will always be missed. And you will never be forgotten.

Love,
BG