Three Years

I cannot believe it has been three years since Jesse left my life. How is the hole in my heart still so raw? I have been crying a lot today, and Jesse is still gone. One thing, though, has changed. Whit's been at work, but Eli has been here. He has followed me around all day and every time I start crying, he hugs me and then kisses me and hugs me again, saying, "Momma, Eli sorry Uncle Jesse die. Momma be so happy." Then he hugs me again.

I explained to him that Uncle Jesse had to leave the Earth to go live with God. He asked "Why?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I don't know the answer myself. Why? That's what still haunts me. Why? I won't know that for a long time, I think.

But I still miss you Jesse, yes every single day. You have missed so much--but I won't forget all the fun you were a part of--how when you were here, you loved so much.

You were there at my wedding. In fact, I kept that text message you sent me the night before until the phone got broken in half, telling me how much joy you had for me that I finally found Whitny. Your happiness for me and my blessings made my joy more full. I did not find out until after you died how much pain you were in at my wedding--how hard on you it was to be there for me. That was how you always were, though--if the day was about me, you made it about me.

Before the wedding though, you were there when we got engaged. Look at your mischevious grin in the back left of the photo! Happy as can be...

And always true to your personality, in the next one you were giving Whit bunny ears.

Here's a shot from a trip we all took to New Orleans.

Eloquence escapes me right now. I don't have the words to express how I feel. I miss you so much, Jesse. I still ask Heavenly Father in my prayers every night to tell you how much I miss you, so you know your family still thinks about you every day. I love you JV.

-BG