Mommy Please Carry Me

Eli broke his leg. I think most anyone who knows me also knows that by now. The orthopedic surgeon reassured me (with some annoyance at my persistent questions) that it is perfectly healed now. He took the cast off on Wednesday. He said Eli's leg would be both stiff and sore from disuse over a period of a month.

Eli can't walk. In part, he's scared, but in part it really hurts when he tries to flatten out his ankle. When he puts pressure on it, he screams and screams, which leads to his ongoing fear of trying. He has a wheelchair he got really proficient with when his cast was on, and now he doesn't want to use anything else. He is comfortable with it, he knows how to use it and he doesn't really want to walk anymore.

I have been forcing him twice a day (as much as I feel like I really can) to walk around the room, holding my hands in his, but putting a minimal amount of weight on his foot. I then sit with him and press on his foot to stretch the tendon for five or ten minutes. This entire process involves a lot of screaming, and a lot of crying. Tears flow on both sides. I can't stand to see my baby hurting. I also get a little mad that he won't even try.

Today, after going around the room twice, we had just 10 steps to go. He tearfully begged me, "Mommy, Please carry me to the sofa." I just started sobbing. I wanted so badly to carry him. I don't want him to feel any of this pain. I want my baby boy to be happy. But I also know he needs to walk. I told him I would gladly carry him everywhere, but if I did, he would never be able to walk on his own.

In that moment, it became crystal clear to me, in my imperfect human way, how our Heavenly Father feels. He sees the bigger picture in our lives. He gives us wheelchairs to help us through injury, or rough patches, but then he knows we need to walk. To play and run and work we have to learn to walk. He knows it will hurt, and it will be hard for us. He knows we won't want to do it. He pushes on our foot to stretch our tendon and He makes us walk around the room twice. In the end, when we only have 10 steps to go, He urges us to walk just a little more. And when we tearfully beg him to carry us, and He doesn't, it isn't because he doesn't love us. It isn't because he doesn't desperately want to carry his children. He would carry us everywhere, but then we would never learn to walk. We would never be able to grow. Growing hurts. Sometimes it downright stinks.

I know in my life I have been crying a lot lately. I have been crying when things go wrong on my house. I've been crying when things are hard with my babies. I have been begging Heavenly Father to carry me a lot. I know it hurts him to say no, but because I have faith in Him, I know that He will carry me when I need it and encourage me to walk the last ten steps alone when doing so will help me grow. I pray I will have the faith in Him to know the difference.